CNY

Happy Chinese New Year!

Year of the Dog this year. Its my year! I was born in the year of the Dog 1983 23 years ago. Well hope that its gonna be a good year. Had lunch with my dad today, was a good meal. My niece is scared of me tho! Quite funny, first thing she did when she saw me was cry her eyes out for about 10 minutes. That’s the effect I have on the female population.

Went out for a really nice meal in town on Saturday night for a friend birthday. Had a really good time catching up with various people and meeting others. Feel a little bad about spending so much over the weekend, but it was worth it to be in town and be in good company again. Although Friday was great as well, went to a local pub and had a few beers with friends and some of their friends, and went back one of my friends houses to have a chat.

On Saturday I went into London early to get a pressie for the birthday girl and had a really nice walk about. It was really busy and bustling but was so nice to be in a place were the people all want to be there. Happy faces everywhere. I couldn’t stop smiling. So I went to Covent garden and watched some street performers and chilled out. Got the presents pretty early in the day cos I knew what I was going to get, so that I had the rest of the day to enjoy London. Ended up in a pub near by the restaurant we were going to go to and watched the football and waited until it was time to move onto the restaurant. A mate caught up with me at the pub to catch the last half hour of the match and we went ton together with his girlfriend who came after him.

It was funny to sit at a table with the only girl I have been interested in since my girlfriend and her boy friend, but I get on with both of them. Its just a shame (only form my point of view of course!) that its not me there. But I know that I am too unsettled right now. I need to sort my life out! Get a job get a place… seems like that’s gonna take a while! Until then.. you can catch me here!!!

bored = tired = bored

I am really bored right now. Doesn’t help that I am really tired. I think I might have a nap, but first I will have some porridge. I think I need to eat something that will fill me up.

Another busy weekend for me. Out tonight for a few beers with some friends, then tomorrow it’s a friends birthday celebration so we are going for a meal in town. Sunday its lunch with the family. Its gonna be a good weekend, but I have to put in the effort to make it good. Sunday will be long and tiring and that’s after Saturday which is going to be long and tiring as I have to dip into town to get a pressie before the meal. And that’s after Friday, tonight, which will not end until about 1 in the morning.

Wish me luck!

Carrots! Bloody bins!

Bloody went a mis-placed my goggles last time I used them. Went swimming today and found… well didn’t find them in my bag when I got into the changing rooms. And this is just after I gave part of my old goggles to a friend. So… I did something nice, only for fate to spite me! And carrots! Carrots are against me, they never cook how I want them to! And they are in league with bins!!! Bloody bins! They move I swear when I try to throw something in them! Every time. Its frustrating when there seem to be so many things against you. I can only hope that one day something good will come out of all these things that have taken a dis-liking to me.

On a serious note… nah… nothing really. Haven’t had a serious day today.

Talking about a revolution?!?! Not me guv!

Just thinking about how alone I am… I am not lonely, cos I have a lot to do, so feeling lonely doesn’t really come onto the cards all that often. But feeling like nobody needs you is a nasty feeling. In this situation I would rather that nobody needed me and I didn’t need anybody rather than being dependant on some else, even when the person that I am dependant on is my own mother. Of course better than that is  needing other people and being needed by other people, or even better… wanted. I’m not a nasty person. I’m not especially dirt, I have uses. So why doesn’t anyone need me? Seems like nobody wants me.

Oh well!

Still haven’t managed to find a job so nothing new or exciting in my life! Was thinking of swimming this evening, the pool is open until 11pm and its about 7.30. I don’t know whether I will make it though, its ice cold out there!

I have to take up more hobbies. My dad suggested learning html, I suggested Auto CAD. Both sound pretty boring, but if I think f learning them as a part time job and do set hours everyday… well we’ll have to see! I know! I know! I have said this I will learn stuff before, but this time… maybe, just maybe.

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Well, well, well…. Another day ends and the evening begins to set in.

I have been having this problem since I started swimming a little more seriously… how the heck do I count the lengths I do? Ah! I hear you say! With your mind, the most powerful computer ever! Well… I tried that, its hard, really hard to do. As soon as I get to about 12 or 14 its over.

So, to try and help I tried to count double lengths, the number of times I get to the shallow end. This didn’t help, I got to about 12/14 again and I cant keep track! I have tried to count them and swim lengths in fours, and I can usually count up to in the region of 20-30 lengths, but I am doing more and more, and doing them all in sets of four is tough stuff! There are loads of people who seem to swim effortlessly, I am not one of them. I think my technique is pretty good, it gets me from end to end pretty quick (compared to some of the other people in the pool), but I do get tired and HAVE to stop after every 4 lengths. Thinking about stroke and breathing and technique makes me forget the number of lengths I’ve done. Oh dear… there’s no helping this one (

Cooked a random dish today! Mum bought a turkey leg and said to me: cook it. So I made up a dish and a way of cooking it. I took the bone out of the leg and stuffed some stuffing in it.  I got loads of veg in the bottom of a baking dish thing, and put some chicken stock in it, then roasted the whole lot with a lid over it so the leg didn’t lose moisture. It was pretty good.

Been pretty busy in the last few days. With keeping up my excersize I have been swimming a coupld o ftime, and cooking here and there, along with the volunteering work that I am doing, I have become a reasonable busy person. But i cant wasit to stop everything that I am doing now and giving it up for the sake of having a job!

I feel closer to jobs now... probably cos I have seen so many, and for the fact that I am no longer taking a blinkered view of the job I want to do, and I will and should do anything that sounds reasonably interesting or that might help me to get to where I want to be.

Its pretty bad but I am actually improving a lot at the games I play! I think in the last week or so i havent been dissapointed with my play at all, even though I havent been playing that much. Shame that games will not help me get a job!

There are quite a few jobs I am toying with doing... teaching abroad, working at a uni (cos that means that in most cases you can study there for free!), lab work in addition to the other stuff I'd actually like to do.

wish me luck my lovies!

Ups and downs, it's all ups and downs!

Well that was an emotional day!

As soon as I wrote that last blog I went swimming and had a think about everything. It seriously cleared my head and helped me think clearly, and I think that I did more lengths than I normally do, but that's probably down to the fact that I have been swimming loads and not eating as much or as badly as before (although I have never had a bad diet really).

Had a chat with my mum about my situation and she was really supportive, she advised that I go straight back to uni to do a masters course but I said that I didn't want to cos of my money situation. So we decided that I was stuck!

Then went back to my volunteer work in the afternoon and evening and it really focused me and I worked really hard, as if i had something to prove to someone, the only person I am proving anything to is myself.

So, what am I going to do now?? We'll have to see, but if I can manage to save a few thousand pounds in the next couple of years, I might have to go back to uni!

what a shit day, and its not over, all I need is to be run over!

Today is the first time I have sat and wept for a long long time and it didn't take much, just someone telling me that I am pretty much looking for a vacancy that doesn't exist.

I got an e-mail from a guy telling me that basically I don't have the academic background to do any of the jobs that I want to do. I am totally screwed as far as getting a job that I actually want. I don't know whether to persist or to give up. I don't want to give up, I don't want to persist, I feel so stuck, and useless. I don't know where to go.

The guy said that I should consider going back to uni to get an MSc, but how the fuck I am I going to do that with the amount of debt I racked up during the first degree, and that's not because I was stupid with my money, but because I went for most of my degree refusing to ask my family for help.

I don't know what to do. I will have to think about what I want to do now, but I cant think of it now, cos the guy I am volunteering for has asked me to finished off an impossible work load by tomorrow night And DAMN RIGHT I'm gonna do it, but right now I am going to go swimming to forget everything. Forget I am me. Forget everything.

I'm a simple simple boy

Was going out for a dinner tonight with my old mates from home, now that I am living at home again. Also went swimming again today, and was quite tired while waiting for one of my mates to pick me up. Thought that I’d have a lie down. I found myself thinking about the times when it was cold and I could get into bed and feel my girlfriend lying close to me and the cold wouldn’t matter, cos she filled me with so much happiness and the cold would melt away as we embraced each other. Then I snapped out of it cos I was going to dinner with her!!! Which I thought was quite funny, but I’d done it before, been out with her drinking and got on well.

I really enjoyed dinner, the food was good, we chatted like it was old times, like we never moved away and we were friends all of the time. I guess this proves that we as a group of people are harder to break up than perhaps I thought we were. We chatted and chatted, and chatted about her moving, odd, cos shes at uni in the middle of her last year. Why are you moving I asked? She said that she broke up with her boyfriend.

And at that point I knew that she was special cos whatever she did made me feel human. When she broke up with me, I felt pain, for the times I hurt her I feel remorse, for the times she loved me I felt like… insert the best feeling ever here… and now she told me that she broke up with her boyfriend and I felt… bad… I actually felt for her. What a girl to be able to do this to me. But we are different people, it would take us getting to know each other again. I really wanted to tell her that I am sorry for everything, and couldn’t cos she had a boyfriend, and now I cant cos she hasn’t got a boyfriend! I want to apologise for hurting her when I didn’t have to. I know I wasn’t the best boyfriend, but I tried! But I know that I was a very bad ex!

I often wanted to hold her at night when I was lonely and often I had to calm myself by imagining that she was there sitting beside me telling me that I was okay and that everything will work out, as if she was the voice of common sense in my head. I knew everything was alright, but when its morning and you cant sleep you’d imagine just about anything!

Now my feelings are confused. I am too simple for this. If I love you, you wont leave my heart. Even after all I have done to try to get her out, there is a space for her there. As is there a space for the girl I will never be able to get. I had just got used to having another person in my heart that I couldn’t have, now… ha! Bloody hell, nothings changed you idiot boy! We still don’t know each other and she still don’t want me. Like she didn’t want me before.

Leaving it for now, but… I dunno, like I say, I’m easy for her, cos there’s a place for her in my life.

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Had a good weekend this weekend. I went to see my friends and celebrate a birthday. The evening I was semi-planning went well. One of my friends, LE, had proposed the restaurant and it was a bit hit with everyone, it’s a fun place where you pretty much cook your own food. Tasty, in most cases but other times it’s a bit to spicy of salty or just not a good mix.

I miss being with my friends from uni. But I am really running out of funds to sustain this lifestyle, not that I am extravagant or anything, its just that this xmas season has been expensive in respect to my income. I have applied for a number of jobs recently, a particularly good sounding one year contract today, which would also help me get some experience of office style work, which I have very little of! An income right now would be nice. I am planning a holiday in late summer with a couple of the guys from uni. Just a short road trip to take in some of Europe. Would be really nice, but I cant drive! Which is unfair cos I cant take on any of the driving, which puts strain on the others. But if I get a job soon, I might try and learn in the summer and that would help quite a lot!

Right now I am very tired so I am going to raid the fridge and read a book and have a nap.

Might do some job hunting first!

Another fine day in the life

Don’t really know what to tell today. There isn’t much. Filled out a form for a quite good sounding job but they do want to know a lot! It takes about 2 hours to fill these forms in!

Going away for the weekend tomorrow, going to have a nice meal with my friends, which was too hard to arrange! Not cos of my friends, but every restaurant I thought of had some problem with it! You cant book, you have to show up and hope… refurbishment… booked up… But I eventually got somewhere that was good last time I went, so I hope its gonna be good this time as well.

Got so bored the other day I put out a ‘personals’ ad on the net. Yeah… cringe-worthy I know, that’s how bored I get sometimes. So, I looked at my matches and there were ladies on there that you wouldn’t really expect to be on there, what I mean by that is there were some really good looking girls. There were people who you would expect as well, not in a bad way(!), I mean people who have just moved into a new place and don’t know anyone. And then there’s me ahahahhahahahahahah!!! J Neither! The thing is with this site, you have to pay to directly contact the other people, so I’d imagine that loads of people go one there and make a profile for free then don’t pay and wait. Don’t expect a reply then! I don’t think the profile I put in is very convincing… I told the truth! Not that there are dark dark secrets in my past and I have a black soul… I’ll save them for later. Nah, I ain’t that bad-ass. Just a bit bored, and therefore probably a bit boring, you should know you’re reading this.

My throat is killing me all of a sudden! I think my mum has passed on some nasty virus she got from holiday. I think I have to get some water now. I think you should too! …You get two litres a-day do I hear?? I don’t think so!

2nd day of 23rd year

I always have a bit of a downer around my birthday. Its always a bit of a depressing time, but I think it might be getting better. I remember times when my birthdays were really really bad, drunk and upset a bad mix. Those were dark years, when you have no interest in people celebrating your birth. But there is nothing I can do about the celebrations. Every year it’s the same, millions of people cheering at the very second that my birthday arrives, all over the world. As you can imagine there is no escape from being born on the first of January!

In the last few years, I have had simple celebrations, round a mate’s house (like this year) or a party at my uni house (last year, that was a bit mental!). I don’t really remember what I did before then… One year in a hall, oh yeah then I think it was the millennium, an amusing night!

Pretty bored now. Well, its more of a night off tonight, there are more birthdays to come… more info later.

Did some job applying today. Some of those bloody forms are sooo long! One took me about an hour and a half. I had to write a paragraph on each of the competencies the company wanted!

I am so boring that there is not really much going through my head today to tell, generally, I’m still the same, jobless, single, bored young man that I was 2 days and a year younger! (i.e. when I was 22)

I’ll leave it there before you actually scoop your eyes out with boredom